Decisions, Decisions (Part 2)

Here is an update on the whole "to stay or not to stay question." I recently realized it's been a while since I said anything on this subject. Before I continue, I want to say thank you to everyone who's been praying for me through this process, I really appreciate it.

God has been teaching me a lot during this time. I could probably write a few blogs on each subject, but here's the gist of it:
-It’s all about motivation. God cares a whole lot more about WHY I do something than the actual action itself. Take Jesus’ criticism of the Pharisees for example, they spent all of their time cleaning the outside of the cup while leaving the inside dirty. I can make a decision that looks good on the outside, but if I make it for selfish reasons, its not a decision that will please Him.

-He is a really, really big God. I’ve been struck over and over these past months by scripture attempting to describe God and His glory. Psalm 18. Isaiah 40. Passages that compare Him to things we know, but go on to say He’s even holier, more majestic and mysterious than that!!!

-Despite His grandeur, He ‘stoops down to make me great.’ (Psalm 18:35). His holiness means ‘completely different’ but it doesn’t mean aloof or separated. For goodness sake, He became human and died for the world, so that we could be reconciled to Him!!! I don’t have to worry and fret over this decision or any for that matter, The Lord God is the One stooping down to make me great!!!!

While God has been teaching me all of these things I’ve come to one main decision: I want to get my Masters in Social Work. I want to be able to help others in a more holistic way than law would allow. I know I need a job where I work with people, but where I also get to problem-solve; social work fulfills this and also will allow me to work wherever God leads.

Despite the fact that I have always loved school, I would like to get this next step over with and I can start doing what I actually want to do. So, I’d like to start grad school in the fall 2012 and whatever I’m doing before that to be a stepping stone and not a diversion or distraction. Right now, most things here seem to fall in the distraction category. If I go home this fall, I can spend next spring taking care of prerequisites and hopefully getting some kind of internship.

Yet, I have spent so much time here learning language and culture, building relationships, putting down roots; I don’t walk away from that easily. I am waiting to see if God will bring something along that would be more of a stepping stone, that would allow me to stay here. Of course, even if I do come home this fall, it is not as if this time has been wasted. I have learned things and built relationships that will last a lifetime.

As returning this fall seems more and more the probable option, I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. If this feeling could speak it would probably be saying: I cannot do this!!!! Returning means the pain of missing everything I’ve grown to love here, the people, customs, and places. It means having to figure out loans and applications and classes. It means returning to the place I was physically (which means I will be tempted to return also to the place I was spiritually). It means trying to rekindle old relationships, trying to re-understand American culture, and not having anyone physically around me who knows who I’ve become here, what I’ve seen, or who I’ve loved. All of this sounds like stuff I’m not sure that I can handle.

(Sidenote: PLEASE don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that I would not be happy in returning home. I have experienced more homesickness here than I ever thought possible. Returning home will mean a lot of joyous reunions.)

All of these misgivings makes me think of something I read recently: after God gives you a task you will have a ‘crisis of faith.’ Like Moses and the burning bush (check out Exodus 3 and 4), you’ll think of all the reasons why you cannot do what God’s asked. And that’s the point. I can’t do it, God can. He’d much rather give me things that I cannot do without Him, things that make me lean on and look to Him. I don’t know if that’s a ‘guarantee’ that I’m supposed to come back to the states this October (I’d rather not put all my trust in my feelings, for they are fickle). But it gives me hope that despite the growth God’s done in me here, even more is yet to come.